I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.