As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul