Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?