Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die