I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees