Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire