My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I am a gravy boat captain
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
In Canada they just call them geese
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science