@crocodilethumbs

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

@crocodilethumbs

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@crocodilethumbs

Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

@crocodilethumbs

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

@crocodilethumbs

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@crocodilethumbs

Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?

Me:

Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.