Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.