I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.