I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Hank is one in a melon.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.