Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!