Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas