I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.