What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.