Inside you there are two wolves
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?