Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
You Might Also Like
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
i actually laughed 😩
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
best review i’ve ever seen
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.