I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay