Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run