Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Impervious: being an admitted pervert