I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.