You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.