My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!