[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
You Might Also Like
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”