When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?