People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Life hack
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.