Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I hope they boil the right one.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Nose
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy