me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.