Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday