“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?