If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one