My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.