my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.