I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier: