This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.