Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.