if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.