The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them