My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.