[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK