What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.