If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page