What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.