Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall