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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@dafloydsta: [creating penguins]
GOD: Give them wings but they can't fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
ANGEL: Uhh..
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?

@dafloydsta: WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

@dafloydsta: WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

@dafloydsta: WIFE: He keeps pretending he's a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen's lies.

@dafloydsta: UBER: Oh, we're halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@dafloydsta: ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We're out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@dafloydsta: [1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

@dafloydsta: Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

@dafloydsta: Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.