Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?
ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.
WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.
ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen