@dafloydsta

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?

ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.

[later]

ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@dafloydsta

[creating penguins]
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
ANGEL: Uhh..
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?

@dafloydsta

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen