Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer