When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
me: *empties water bottle into lake* go, you’re free now
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts