Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
me: *empties water bottle into lake* go, you’re free now
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts