In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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socratic questions
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?