[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.