I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you